We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
