I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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