I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
