did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
