I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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