mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
