sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
