I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
