i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
