my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
