Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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