It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
