oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
