i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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