in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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