What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
