I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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