He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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