i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
