I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
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