Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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