Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
