I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
as a side note pls kill me
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