my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
