the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
