Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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