my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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