Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
