Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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