so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
