Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
