I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
