I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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