If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
