Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Randomize
