OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
