I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
