I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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