had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize