dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
