u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
