So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
