she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
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