I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
When are your genitals available?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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