You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
