I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
