if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
