Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
