Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
