I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
