Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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