just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I will pee on everything he values.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Randomize
