Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
