just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
