dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
